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(no subject) [Feb. 7th, 2012|01:37 pm]
Well. Been a while. Am I still sober, one might ask?

Yes, I certainly am! One might receive in reply. Four months this past sunday. I've been running around letting people know that I am a recovering alcoholic, because some part of my brain thinks/hopes that this label will help me to stay off the stuff for the long term.

Fact is, things are really, really good when I am not drinking.

I am also still not on Facebook, and results on that are a little mixed. The pros are that I don't spend so much time reading puny status updates, I don't get into random fights' about politics with otherwise decent people, and I don't have a meltdown every time Facebook changes a little bit, which it always does and always will do.

The cons are that I have no idea what my chosen social circle is doing at any given moment, and I have lost touch with some family and friends with whom I have no other means of communicating, and that includes some people that have followed this blog (back when I, you know, updated more than twice a year).

The scale is still frmly set in the "no Facebook" side, though, at least for the foreseeable future.

Anywhoo, I wanted to post something, and now I have. Back into the internets I go!
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(no subject) [Oct. 13th, 2011|07:04 pm]
So, I`m a bit of an emotional roller coaster on this quitting drinking adventure, but it's day 8 and I'm going to slide into day 9 with no effort. There aren't any major events that are happening this weekend (oo, other than the "occupy toronto" event in solidarity with that occupy wall street thing that you may have heard of, but that's not so much a party) so I think days 10 through 12 will likely be alcohol free. Right now I feel pretty good, but yesterday and last night I was an anxious wreck. I had an anxiety attack at work when I was afraid that I'd done something wrong (I hadn't) where I thought I might have to leave early and take half a sick day, but I stuck through it and felt better by when I was done. Last night was pretty bad, though. I had a pretty wretched dream where I went to a rugby game between my old team and my new team and both teams ignored me and treated me like I wasn't wanted. When I woke up, I was pretty distraught and had that racing-mind thing for a long time. Eventually I got some sleep, but it wasn't very restful. Today was okay, though.

That I'm having these effects after only a week without booze is telling, though. It's more confirmation, as if I needed it, that alcohol is a problem for me. I really really don't want to give up drinking for good, because it's fun...but the fact is that I haven't found the magic balance point where it can be a part of my life in a sane, moderate amount. That magic point probably doesn't exist. So, in the long run it's going to be really important for me to remember why I need to stay sober. In a few weeks or months or years, I'll have moments where I think "Oh hell, this won't hurt much," and maybe it will. So, here are a few good things about being sober:

1) I remember a lot of my meaningful conversations from this week!
2) While I am feeling less stable in some ways, possibly as a withdrawl effect, I do feel more stable in some other ways. My bf and I had an important conversation tonight, and I think I handled it differently than I might have before. It was about communication rather than simply reacting.

Anyway, now I am going to do laundry. The end.
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Day 6 [Oct. 11th, 2011|04:53 am]
Hey, my subject headings are back! To celebrate, I've crafted a clever and witty title that comments on the state of political and social affairs of our time. Kidding, it's my sobriety count. Today begins day 6. It is 5am, because I am working for a guy on vacation and his shift starts at 6am. Blah.

I'm mostly here to waste time because I don't have to leave for another 10 minutes and don't really have anything else to do. I guess I could be preparing for my annual bout with nanowrimo, but nah. I'll do that at work.

As this was my first completely sober weekend in a long time, I have to say that not being drunk and/or hungover for 60% of it made it feel like I had a lot more time to do things. The bf and I had a date yesterday (saw "What's Your Number?" with Anna Ferris). The kitchen counter is clean, the laundry and dishes are done. Those were pretty much the bare minimum that I lived with IN THE PAST!! But also, this weekend, I vacuumed the carpet and tidied up two huge stacks of paper. I am an animal!

Okay, off to work now.
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(no subject) [Oct. 8th, 2011|12:01 am]
Whine. Not wine. Freudian slip, much?
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(no subject) [Oct. 8th, 2011|12:00 am]
Weird, LJ won't let me post a subject heading. Anyway.

So, long time readers will know that occassionally my drinking becomes a problem. Or, maybe more accurately I recognise that my drinking is a problem. I'm not full-blown "Intervention"-stage or anything, but I drink frequently, I drink heavily, and if I can't get alcohol when I want it, I turn into an 8 year old and have a temper tantrum. It's all VERY attractive.

I'm also about 40 pounds heavier than I should strictly be for health reasons.

So, just like I did back in 2003 or 2004, I'm going on the wagon. Today is day 2, it pretty much sucks. But at least I'll have my first hangover-free Saturday morning in, like, forever.

Oh yeah, I also quit Facebook, so all of you lovely readers will get to hear me wine on my livejournal, since it's really the only non-work related social networking place I have.

The stated goal is to be sober until I've lost 20 pounds or so (goal weight 240, so maybe more like 25 pounds right now). I'm kicking this off by eating burgers and poutine, but calorie-wise that's probably still more modest than the 7 or 8 beers I would have had by this point in the night.

In one minute it will be Day 3 of sobriety. We'll see how THAT goes.
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(no subject) [Aug. 13th, 2011|12:20 am]
My brain hates me and wants me to die alone.

Oh well, once more unto the breach.

Repeat to yourself: "Socialising is fun. Socialising is fun."
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Pride 2011 [Jul. 4th, 2011|01:09 am]
For my readers' enjoyment, here is my pride activity list:

Thursday (planned: per facebook messages that afternoon, meet at a bar and hang out): Got home from work and stayed in.

Friday (planned: friend's Pride Carnival party, 12-9): Stayed in.

Saturday (planned: different friend's drop in party): Stayed in.

Sunday (planned: Pride day! Woo hoo! Parade, and shit, and hanging out, etc!): Stayed in all morning, ran out briefly for frozen pizza, was nasty to boyfriend, stayed in.

Pride 2011 has been awesome and I can't wait to tell everyone all about it!!!
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(no subject) [May. 29th, 2011|01:07 am]
Ugh, so, yeah. I fail at social stuff a lot. This is sometimes a serious obstacle when it comes to overcoming the social anxiety and doing shit with actual people. It's not always my fault, like tonight, for instance!

It was nothing, just that a few critical personalities from my time with Muddy York were at the event I went to tonight, and that threw me into a total tailspin.

Before all this today I had an awesome game with my current rugby team, and that shit is going really well. But I feel like my feelings about Muddy will always be this strong and this difficult to put into words. Worst of all, there are people from whom I REALLY need or want some validation, or at least closure. Are we still friends or aren't we? Why or why not? I can handle the truth, I just can't handle whatever grey zone BS this is.

Or, is it my responsibility to just pick up on the signals and figure out when I'm disliked? Because, my brain ALWAYS gives those freaking signals, so I need a bit more evidence.

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(no subject) [May. 20th, 2011|01:53 am]
I wrote a long entry, but decided it would be best if I used discretion. We'll see if that's any more successful.

But remind me to talk about how I tend to explode peoples' shit all over the place, at least when I'm being careless, and how all of you secret-keepers with your stupid fucking shames have managed to make me feel like a mutant for saying out loud what everyone already knows. So, fine. I'm'a gonna shut up.......for now.
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(no subject) [Apr. 27th, 2011|11:44 pm]
My efforts at complete self-destruction have today been thwarted. I will resume plans tomorrow.
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