||[Oct. 13th, 2011|07:04 pm]
So, I`m a bit of an emotional roller coaster on this quitting drinking adventure, but it's day 8 and I'm going to slide into day 9 with no effort. There aren't any major events that are happening this weekend (oo, other than the "occupy toronto" event in solidarity with that occupy wall street thing that you may have heard of, but that's not so much a party) so I think days 10 through 12 will likely be alcohol free. Right now I feel pretty good, but yesterday and last night I was an anxious wreck. I had an anxiety attack at work when I was afraid that I'd done something wrong (I hadn't) where I thought I might have to leave early and take half a sick day, but I stuck through it and felt better by when I was done. Last night was pretty bad, though. I had a pretty wretched dream where I went to a rugby game between my old team and my new team and both teams ignored me and treated me like I wasn't wanted. When I woke up, I was pretty distraught and had that racing-mind thing for a long time. Eventually I got some sleep, but it wasn't very restful. Today was okay, though. |
That I'm having these effects after only a week without booze is telling, though. It's more confirmation, as if I needed it, that alcohol is a problem for me. I really really don't want to give up drinking for good, because it's fun...but the fact is that I haven't found the magic balance point where it can be a part of my life in a sane, moderate amount. That magic point probably doesn't exist. So, in the long run it's going to be really important for me to remember why I need to stay sober. In a few weeks or months or years, I'll have moments where I think "Oh hell, this won't hurt much," and maybe it will. So, here are a few good things about being sober:
1) I remember a lot of my meaningful conversations from this week!
2) While I am feeling less stable in some ways, possibly as a withdrawl effect, I do feel more stable in some other ways. My bf and I had an important conversation tonight, and I think I handled it differently than I might have before. It was about communication rather than simply reacting.
Anyway, now I am going to do laundry. The end.